I wasn’t expecting you to understand any of that title. If you did, I’m a bit concerned.
A glubina dushy is a term that Wade and I learned while reading a book that had a lot of Russian references in it. Supposedly it is somewhat untranslatable into English, but means something along the lines of “the deepest part of a person, the blood and guts, the heartiest passions and desires and hopes a person has way way down in their soul.”
Here’s what you need to know: You have one, and it’s complicated.
Now you have to deal with it. Or don’t, and let me deal with mine. Either way.
Lately I have found it difficult to access this glubina dushy of mine, even though I know it’s in there, and I know it has a lot to say. At least, I hope it does. I was explaining to an older friend/mentor today and all I could think to explain what I’m experiencing is by referencing the Biggest Loser.
When you start a season of the Biggest Loser you see all of these amazing people who want to find out the reasons for their emotional eating and get healthy. You see them at their starting weight, and then before you know it, the show is over and they are like a butterfly out of a chrysalis. It’s like a brand new person is in front of you. It’s as if this person just decided to unzip a fluffy suit and step out and say, “TAH DAH!!! HERE I AM! JUST HIDING IN HERE FOR A BIT, BUT NOW I’M DONE!” I told my friend that I felt like it should be so easy to get my glubina dushy to express herself, like I could unzip the fat suit of my soul and just let her out, but for some reason I can’t. It’s like I don’t know the code to my own security box, or I can’t get into the premiere of my own movie, or someone is looking at my ID in a restaurant with my birthdate clearly printed and still won’t let me have a mimosa.
If I sound confused, it’s because I am. I ask myself questions about what it is I’m really passionate about, what it is I want to do with my life, and I can answer all of the questions. In that way it’s more like a grocery list that I could check off instead of something coming up from deep inside my soul that just can’t wait to come out.
Here’s another visual. (I’m into visuals today.)
I could tell you what is IN my glubina dushy, what resides deep in my soul, in a list format, like photo A. It would be a long list, too! But what I really want is to live it out, to BE it, to delve into the depths of my glubina and spew it out on the world in a beautifully violent manner, like photo B.
You’re probably thinking I’ve really lost it now. And maybe I have, but I’m hoping to find it again.
It’s been difficult to process this with God. For a bit I was dealing with a fair amount of anxiety, sadness, and depression in my life. Now I am dealing with a sort of happiness that stays pretty level but can’t really get very worked up about anything one way or another. I think there is another place that God has for me, a sort of “third door…” and that behind it is a sort of life in technicolor. I don’t mean that everything is a mountaintop experience or that nothing bad happens, I just mean that it’s a place where I can be fully present to everything, good and bad, and be an active participant in whatever comes, my glubina dushy puking on everyone around me.
Trust me, it SOUNDS like you wouldn’t want to be there when it happens, but you do. I would love to be puked on by your glubina dushy.
I’ll close by saying this. I know that God made me in a certain way to show his glory to the world. I really believe that writing is somehow a part of that, if only to put in black and white what is in my glubina dushy as proof that it’s there. When I write out my heart, seeing my thoughts in black and white reassures me that yes, my glubina dushy is crackling like a wildfire, the passion is going great guns deep down, I’m a one girl revolution up in here.
I just know I can’t get to that revolution alone. I can’t crack it open and let it free. It’s a work that God has to do. And instead of being upset with Him that He hasn’t done what I wanted Him to do, (“I mean, come on God, don’t you want the world to SEE MY AWESOME!?!?”), the truth is that God is somehow showing Himself through me to the world even now.
Because it isn’t about my awesome, it’s about His awesome.
He made my glubina dushy, and He will sustain it in whatever way it pleases him to sustain it until I see Him face to face.
I suppose I’m just waiting to see what He’ll do. And in the waiting I’ll abide in Him, because He holds it all.
I leave you with a passage from my favorite book, A Father’s Tale by Michael D. O’Brien, where I learned of the glubina dushy. This conversation comes after the main character Alex has created a beautiful snow house full of lights in the middle of a poverty stricken town in the wilderness. It was such a thing of beauty to those living in the area that they would stand by it day and night to watch it change colors in the moonlight. An old woman very fond of Alex tells him that his simple act of love has changed the world. He asks, and she replies…
“The snow house is a sign, then?”
“Yes, a half-serdtse, a half- glubina dushy. But the half can lead to the whole, if the heart listens. If the heart listens.”